unexpected freedom

wandering through streets and the depths of my mind

it’s Tuesday and I went into work too early. seemingly hung up on last week’s schedule, although I have no idea why. arrived at 1pm for a 3:30pm shift and had already worked for over an hour by the time we realised I was not yet meant to be there. got told to take some time off — one hour and a half, to be precise — and come back later. it felt funny, not having to work when I didn’t plan for it. suddenly having all this freedom and no idea what to do with it. I laughed, still unable to wrap my mind around the mix up. maybe it’s because I’m on my period?

decided to walk towards the river. no real purpose, but a few desires: drinking another matcha and reading my book. stopped at Kleinmarkthalle on the way. slightly hungry, mostly curious. few things fill up my cup like a good wander through a market does. inside, there’s this place called Inari San, offering inari sushi (sushi rice stuffed tofu + your topping of choice). had eaten there once before, tuna mayo. ordered it again. a winter especial homemade marshmallow banana pudding matcha was on display. it looked too good to pass up on, so I didn’t. but yes, it was too sweet. drank almost the whole thing while waiting for the sushi to be prepared. once it was, started towards the river but stopped as soon as I found a bench. sat down for a few minutes and ate in silence. when was the last time I was so solely concentrated on my food? then back on my way I went.

walked by Drei, my favourite café. still wanted a proper matcha, a pure unsweetened one, for the soul. thought about how hadn’t been here in a while. have been busier, have more of a life to live. but the love for this place remains.

turned around. looked at my reflection on another shop’s window before coming in. people know me here, I needed to make sure I look ok. I do. I look good even. happy.

I come in, suddenly no longer so sure they’ll remember me, after so long. it’s been months. but they do! I say hi, they say hi back and before I can say another word, follow up with a “one matcha latte with oat?”. “yes”, I say, “and a slice of carrot cake”, because you cannot come to Drei and not eat a piece.

I feel good. happy not to have been forgotten. must have been here a lot. or maybe there’s something about me that causes leaves an impression. couldn’t tell you. I’m very self critical, but not that self aware. if you can be one without the other. but I like it. to feel like I’m part of a city, after so long. to feel like I belong. and to know it was all my doing.

tomorrow I volunteer at my local Oxfam. been doing it for well over a year now, every Wednesday afternoon. applied on a whim and was terrified of actually having to speak German. was here, sat at the back, table besides the toilet, when I got the call. March 2024. an invitation to go chat to them in person about the volunteering work. who would’ve thought. this place belongs to me just as much as I belong to it.

afterwards, I’ll meet my girl friends. plural, yes. would you believe that? go to the christmas market together. drink a glühwein or two. look at how far you’ve come!

and yet some things never change. like writing as a means of processing and taking it all in. this is my life now. and I quite like it.

didn’t have a notebook in my bag. haven’t written very much lately, but I’m not mad about it. writing in the margins of the book I meant to be reading. all you need is the urge, a pen (or in this case a pencil) and a piece of paper anyway.

never made it to the river. it would have been too cold I’m sure. just been here. no headphones, only ambiance music and the sound of other people, living.

27 minutes left. it’s time I finish my matcha and cake and make my way back to work. recharged and happy. it’s the little things really.