the biggest lesson of my early 20s

what I've learnt about self-esteem, from someone who hit rock bottom

I've never published anything as raw as this on the internet before. I wrote this a week ago and didn't even read it through after typing the last word out of fear. I needed some time to allow the idea of sharing this to marinate until I felt comfortable enough hitting publish. I've now read it through and edited it slightly and can say that it's not my best writing, but it's very much me. I still am scared, but I want to share it anyways. so here goes nothing.

yesterday I had a catch up face time call with an old friend where I cried a lot. we hand't talked in a long time, and I had never before opened up to her like I did then. as I tried to explain how great I've been feeling over the last couple of months, I inevitably had to speak about the struggles I dealt with in recent years. it was tough, but I'm glad I pushed through. eventually I heard myself say that the reason why I've been feeling good now is linked to the little things I've been doing on a regular basis. from daily habits to weekly ones.

little things like making sure I make my bed every morning, journal, take at least a shower a day, do my skincare and brush my teeth before bed. and others, still small in the grand scheme of life, but bigger in comparison, like going to the gym, going on walks, taking myself on weekly solo dates, meeting up with friends. together and done consistently, they slowly awoke in me a feeling I hadn't felt in years: self-esteem.

I moved to Germany when I was 16. my parents got divorced in 2008 and when my mum moved out, I went with her. later, in 2016, when she got a new job in Germany, I came too. it was tough. I left all my friends behind, the rest of my family, my little (half) brother who was only 2 years old at the time. my English was very much broken and my German, well, nonexistent. I struggled to adapt, make friends, build a new life when deep down I felt like I had been robbed of the good life I had in my home town. I was angry. then I was sad. so sad I'd sleep around 3am, wake up after midday, eat snacks all day long while scrolling on social media, then do it all again the next day.

this went on for some long three months until I enrolled in school. things started to look up then, I made a couple of friends I still hold dear today and joined a gym. but the upward spiral didn't last very long. I was having migraines multiple times a week and the sadness I felt wasn't going away. my mum could see how unhappy I was, but there wasn't much she could do. going back to Brazil wasn't really an option. till she came up with an idea, “why don't you go do a short course somewhere?” I got excited. looked up english language courses in New York City and Toronto. they were hard to arrange because of visas and very expensive. so I looked up London.

I had never thought about London as a place I'de like to visit. I think it has to do with my culture. in Brazil, when you are a teen, you look up to the US. that's where all the high school movies are set, where Disney World is. as a longtime sex and the city fan, New York was the dream. but London was, somehow, more affordable, easier, possible. so I went. not knowing what to expect, all on my own and completely unaware of what was about to happen.

meant to stay for six weeks, I stayed for eight. back to Germany for Christmas and new years eve. then in January we booked everything for me to return to London for four whole months.

I was seventeen, alone in a city where anything is possible. I fell in love. not with anyone in particular, though I did live some romances. but with a city. with life. quickly, the anger was replaced by hope, the sadness gave way to joy. and I had never been that free.

when the four months came to an end, I was 18 (I turn 25 this May in case you're wondering) and a whole new me. but everything about this new me was very tied to London and slowly I felt it all slip away. not having an European passport (this was pre Brexit), I couldn't just stay there. there were limitations bigger than myself. I wanted to go to university, but a degree for an international student was too much for my mum to afford at the time and I technically still had one year of school left to finish. It was summer and I went on holidays. one week in Italy then two months in Brazil. all the while thinking about how to stay for longer in the city that'd brought me back to life.

I went back for 6 months. though without the prospect of being able to really make a life for myself there, my mental health started to decline again. a few weeks before the 6 months were over, I got out of my flatshare contract and went back to Germany and stayed. a lot happened between then and now, but I'll spare you the details as they don't add much to the point I'm trying to make here.

back in Germany, heartbroken that the dream I was living had come to an end, things slowly went down hill again. I think the slowness of it made it worse. it's harder to notice the consistent long term decline, the difference between today and yesterday is so tiny, almost invisible. but it compounds. when it happens all at once, you shock yourself immediately. when it's slow, the distance between where you were and where you've arrived is not as striking.

in 2021, the compounding was obvious. the pandemic surely aggravated it, but wasn't what got it started. I'd hit rock bottom. the migraines came back and were worse than ever before, the nights wide awake and days asleep were my routine. my hair was always greasy, I was always in my bedroom, horizontal, with a computer on my lap and my right hand dipped in a bag of crisps. I felt trapped, lost, lonely, broken.

eventually, I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't recognise my own reflection. that's when I knew I needed to change something. I was living in Berlin on my own at the time, so the first thing I did was leave my flat and the city and move back in with my mum. she tried to help, but the kind of help she was offering made me feel threatened and I pushed her away. I wasn't ready yet to commit to changing my life. I felt weak.

it was only in November 2022 that I managed to ask for the kind of help I needed. I got myself a therapist. today, almost 60 sessions later, I finally feel like I'm on the other side. of course it took more than just therapy. there were books and conversations with friends and family, notebooks full of my journaled thoughts and feelings, pillows drenched in tears, days where I felt like nothing I did mattered, slip ups and breakthroughs. but I made it. I'm not at the bottom of the pit anymore. the horizon looks promising and I see so much light.

the big lesson I learned through it all is that self-esteem comes second. first, you need to the little things, as hard as they are in the beginning. even when they seem pointless. especially when they seems pointless. taking care of myself everyday is easier to like who I am. and the more I like who I am, the more I want to care for myself. the more I take care of myself, the more I like myself. it's a loop, you see.

I understand now that the anger and sadness I felt made me unable to take care of myself. and that too is a loop. the less I cared for myself, the less I had reason to do it. I pushed my thoughts and emotions under the rug. I didn't reach out to my friends or family, just isolated myself, which made me feel lonely, unloved, unlovable. I didn't take care of my body or my mind. I just let go.

today, I wake up in the morning, make my bed, brush my teeth, wash my face, journal my thoughts and feelings, exercise, eat proper food, work on things that excite me, spend intentional quality time with myself, see my friends, hug my family, read books for fun, keep my space clean and tidy, shower daily and go to bed early.

I still struggle everyday with things I wish I could control but can't. I still have bad days, I still cry on my pillow, I still feel anger and sadness. but I don't let go of myself. I do the little things. because the little things matter. they make me feel loved and capable of handling the ups and downs of life. and that, after you've been where I've been, is gigantic.

x M