I've started a podcast
where i've been and where i'm going, an overdue life update
well, hello!
i’ve been away for a while, both for external circumstances and the overwhelming feeling of not knowing how to pick this back up after being gone this long…
let me start from the beginning.
all year long I’d been loosely mentioning here and on instagram that I was looking to move into a new place with my partner R. in October, we finally had everything that needed to fall into place fall into place and only needed to find a flat to move into, which we did towards the latter half of the month.
the last time I wrote something for Party of One was the day we signed the contract. I never ended up publishing it because I couldn’t quite finish it. I think I was trying to say too much all at once. here’s a little bit of that draft:
leaning on a fluffy cushion against the window in my favourite café. I came here partly to work on some writing I started but never finished, partly to celebrate with myself. iced matcha latte and a square piece of carrot cake. a true party of one in my book. R is at work in a different city, but not for very much longer. it is Tuesday, the 22nd of October 2024, the day we signed the lease for our new flat. there is a huge black dog on the opposite end of the room. I've probably never seen a more stunning dog in my life. its fur is smooth and shiny, like fresh out of a good hairdresser appointment hair. a very elegant dog keeping watch of his owners little bald newborn baby. I’m not a pet person, mostly because I’m scared of things that have pointy teeth and sharp nails. I do love appreciating them from a safe distance though. if I were to have a dog, I’d want a dog as stunning as this one. I’ve been reading Intermezzo, like everyone else, it seems, and the dog at the café looks like the way I’ve been picturing Alexei to look like in my head. elegant, imposing, collected, silky furred and perfectly muscular. if I were a dog, I’d be nothing like it…
earlier today, in the shower, lathering the sparkly green of my LUSH magic body wash onto my thighs, I searched for the regret I thought would follow my decision (to sign the contract for this specific flat). scanning my body and mind for even an ounce of the negative feeling, a hint of its existence, even if dormant, somewhere deep inside of me. no, there isn’t any.
we officially moved in on the 1st of December, it was Sunday. after a long day of moving furniture in and out of our rented transporter, we laid in bed both tired and happy. it was here. we’d made it! it was the beginning of our daydreamed new life!
our first month went by quickly. deep cleaning, putting together furniture, settling into our new routines, having our first cosymas (aka Christmas since I’m not religious and R is muslim) together at home and family staying over to play the new Mario Party and welcome in the new year. writing was not at all a priority and I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. although I did find the time, and most of all, the courage, to finally start a podcast!
in my teenage years back in Brazil, people, my friends included, used to make fun of my voice. immaturity is a part of being young, but even though they didn’t intentionally mean to hurt me, my voice became an insecurity. of course, that was not the only reason why it took me so long to start (listen to the first episode if you want to know more). but at long last, i did it. for the Mila I’ll be in 5 years.
we were off work on the first week of the year, which gave me plenty of time to rest, make plans and set goals. when Monday the 6th came around, I was ready to get back to writing and take daily steps towards them. before I was able to get into a good rhythm, it was January 14th and we discovered a massive mould problem in our utility room, bedroom, kitchen and living room. and that’s when the dream come true bubble we were in suddenly started to turn into a nightmare. we thought we’d need to move again.
multiple visits by our landlord. long emails in German that we had to both write and understand. a never ending back and forth that seemed to lead nowhere when the people responsible would do everything they could not to take responsibility. we both got sick for over a week. February 10th, I flew to Brazil to see my family after 2 years of not seeing them. still no resolution in sight. a lawyer got involved. technically on vacation, but also terrified of the problem on our hands. ate the most delicious foods prepared for me by my dad. said hello to anyone I crossed paths with on the streets. my 10 year old brother bleached his entire head of hair and then we ate pizza. killed the saudade I had from my friends only to miss them more after saying goodbye. my cousin got married on the most beautiful cliff. I realised everyone is addicted to their phones. I went to the beach alone for the first time and it was magical. February 24th, I said goodbye forever to the house i lived most of my life in. brought home Brazilian books that would alter my brain chemistry. jet legged for half a week. March 3rd, slowly starting to get my life back in order. March 8th, finally got answers and started to see progress towards a solution for our problem. March 9th, had a friend need me to be there for her more than ever before. March 13th, today, I am writing my first newsletter of the year.
that’s where i’ve been. as to where I’m going, I just hope to enjoy the ride.
please subscribe to Party of One, the podcast!!! out every Monday at 5:19AM CET.
talk soon,
Mila <3