for this week's letter I had originally planned to write about my newfound appreciation for nature. I have drafted a whole thing about it and am sure I'll come around to publishing it very, very soon. but while searching my notes app for a line I had written down a fews days ago about nature, I stumbled upon a note from January 2nd 2024 and decided to write about something else entirely.
the note was, in fact, a drafted letter for my future self. I had intended to handwrite it into a beautiful card I bough for myself in my last trip to London, sealing the envelope and only opening it up on last day of the year. at the time though, I felt like my words weren't good enough. certain that I could write something much better, I told myself I just needed a little more time and would dedicate myself to it later.
time passed and I always came up with an excuse or other not to write the damn letter. it's July 11th today and the drafted note still never made it to paper. the beautiful card is sitting, still in its original packaging, at the back of a drawer in my bedside table. with it, other cards I've bought since, intending to write other letters to friends and loved ones. a pile of intentions left unattended for a future version of myself to fill up with regret when confronted by their blank existence. the drama! I know! but that's who I tend to be.
it's been seven months since I first typed down those words, so, naturally, I had no real memory of the note’s content. having typed in "nature” in the search bar of the notes app, I wasn't expecting to find them at all. all I could think was “when have I written about nature before?”, “is there something in it I could add to my draft?”. curiosity made me click the note open. and, just by reading the first line, I knew it was the letter I'd never “sent” to myself.
I began reading and soon after felt myself be flooded by emotion. the only way to cope was to allow myself to cry. but it wasn't a sad cry at all! although I did think about how silly I had been not to put it into paper. how cruel I can be to myself sometimes, judging my words by how pretty or perfected they sounded rather than by the power they had to carry an even more powerful message.
I read on until the tears mixed themselves with laughter. my body filling up with joy and gratitude. realising not only how that slightly younger self was full of hope, but how right she was in her predictions. how connected to her I still am, and how new of a feeling that is to me when accompanied by hope and accomplishment.
usually, when reading past me hopes and dreams, I cried from realising I had failed her, failed myself once more. I hadn't, not in a very long time, experienced the feeling of “you bet I am!”, “you bet I did!". and what a glorious feeling it was. too glorious not to register. too precious not to share with you.
so here it is, the imperfectly drafted (I have only corrected spelling mistakes, everything else is as I first wrote) letter that never made it to paper:
dear Mila,
I hope this letter finds you well and happy 🖤
it's January 2nd 2024 today, and I'm writing with excitement for the year that's just begun.
I feel like these past few months, but especially the last 3 weeks, have been transformative, like the first step towards the version of myself I want to become and the life I want to live. I've been feeling connected to the universe like never before, and that gives me a peace of mind I have never previously experienced. even though we are “unutterably alone” (read about it in Letters To a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke*), I don't feel helpless because I know the universe has my back. it is my guide, and I trust that I can follow it.
there’s been a sense of readiness in the air lately, a readiness unlike anything I've ever felt. a certainty that I am ready to take hold of my life, but not only that… I feel capable of actually doing the things I'm setting out to do this year.
the morning pages have been the biggest reason for that. they are a channel of communication between me and my inner self, my inner child, my inner artist. and I have learned that this communication and this connection between the everyday me and the me deeper inside is essential for this feeling of security within. I hope you still do them consistently to this day, and I hope that they are still working their magic in your life.
I also hope to keep my eyes and mind wide open to see and experience synchronicity thought the year — please tell me about all the magical things that have happened?
my wish for you is that you are able to hold on to that. the ability to see and experience the magic that is out there.
I hope we have accomplished the things we’ve set out to, and that we are able to celebrate every little step in the right direction, because slow progress is still progress. you're only stuck if you are not moving, and we are always moving, it's in our nature to seek betterment.
I hope you have learned to allow yourself to make mistakes, to be wrong, to no please everyone all the time. these things are inevitable, so you gotta learn to be kind to yourself when they happen.
I hope you have dedicated yourself to yourself, both physically and mentally, as that's the only way through.
above all, I hope you are happy! with yourself, the life you're building, the people you love. (R, mamãe, Rafa, Rafa, Artur, Pai…).
I love you, Mila, thank you for taking me as far as you could in these 363 days, there's 365 more ahead of you now, so find the strength within you to keep going, keep building the life of your dreams. it's over the horizon, if you can see it, it is real, it's just a matter of time.
all my love,
your younger self
at the same time I wish I had put the letter into paper to read on December 31st, I'm so happy I read it today! we are just at the beginning of the latter half of the year, yet, so much has already happened. so much has been put into motion. so much is new and different and unexpectedly good.
I rekindled a friendship dear to me, made new connections both online and offline, let go of relationships that were no longer serving me, deepened other bonds. I threw a birthday party for the first time in nearly a decade, and even though it was hard for me to believe it, everybody loved it. I started a volunteer work I am truly passionate about and that has propelled me forward in so many unimaginable ways. I've learned so many new things about myself. I'm about to move in with the love of my life and have been working on multiple projects I am incredibly excited by and proud of.
it hasn't all gone perfectly according to plan, but I've come to learn it's often better that way. and there's so much still ahead of me. but I'm proud of, for the first time in what feels like years, being able to say I've dedicated myself to myself. it feels so good to know that despite all the struggles, bad days, failures, I still pushed through, not giving up on myself.
I still write my morning pages and still think most of these little miracles that have been happening are only possible because I've stuck to nurturing the connection between my “everyday me and the me deeper inside”. and you bet I still am experiencing synchronicity throughout the year. just today I run through the train station certain I'd miss my train, arriving at the platform out of breath, with one minute to spare, only to realise it had been delayed for exactly 4 minutes!
I was on the train to R's city when I read the note. seating by a window, opposite to the direction of travel. looking out the window, I could only see the landscape and train tracks we had already rode past. unless I turned to face backwards and towards the front of the train, I could not see what we were moving towards, only that what was being left behind.
when I wrote down the words I had hoped my future self would read, I only knew what had already happened, what we had already gone through, and, what I hoped, but couldn't be certain, would happen next. as I read it, seven months later, but earlier than originally planned, I was once again only able to look at what had already stayed behind.
the me who wrote new less than the me who read, but the me who read still cannot know what's ahead. and this coexistent connection and distance between past, present and future, is both fascinating and overwhelming. we can only move forwards, things only make sense backwards, and yet the present is all we really have.
so my response to January 2nd me is the same hope I have for December 31st me: I've been and I hope you will be, taking it day by day, moving forwards towards our dreams, strengthened by all that's already been.
I always write listening to music and thought it would be nice to share the song playing when I started drafting. you tell me if it's cool or totally lame, I just feel like trying new things out!
something else I want to share is the existence of FutureMe, a free tool that allows you to write an email for your future self (or whomever you want). I've done it a couple times in the past and find it super fun!
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